Maybe
by neaira.awakened
Summary: Solona and Jowan have been best friends since she first came to the tower, until the day she realizes that she wants something more, and it all goes to hell. Secret Swooper gift for kaispan on livejournal.


Solona Amell listens as her parents argue in hushed tones outside of her bedroom door, shivering against the cold beneath her blankets.

"No one else has to know," Papa's urgent whisper is somewhat muffled through the thin wooden door.. "No one else saw what happened."

"She set the dog's tail on fire, Saul," Mother raises her voice, her tone desperate. "With her _mind_. What if the next time it's a person? They're going to come for her."

"Not if we just keep her here," Papa raises his voice now, too. "She's just a little girl, we can hide her. They won't know."

Mother says something that Solona can't hear under the blankets but then she thinks she hears her father crying and she doesn't know what to do. Solona swallows hard and pulls the blanket tighter around her shoulder. She didn't know where the fire came from, but the dog had been pulling down the laundry and she was just so… so… _angry_. The bedroom door creaks open and Solona squeezes her eyes shut, pretending to sleep. She feels a hand on her forehead and she opens her eyes.

"We're going on a trip, baby girl," Papa says gently, his eyes moist with tears. "Let's get your things together."

And so Solona slips out of bed and delicately places her favorite doll and a blanket and whatever else she can find into a pillowcase and follows her Papa outside, as her mother stands by the door and sobs.

* * *

Papa left her with the templars. They took her to a place they called the Circle Tower, and now she's being pushed through a heavy door.

"Wait here," the templar says through his helm as gently as his gruff voice will allow, dropping her pillowcase next to her feet. "Someone will come to collect you shortly."

Solona looks up at the templar with large green eyes, bottom lip quavering slightly as tears stream down her dirty cheeks. "But where's my papa?"

The templar seems to stiffen beneath his heavy armor. "Someone will be here shortly." Then the templar disappears through the heavy door and she's alone.

"Papa?" she calls out in a pleading voice. "Please, I don't want to be alone!"

She chokes back another sob and sits back on her haunches, arms wrapped tightly around her knees. She buries her head and cries out for her papa between sobs that rack her body so violently, she wishes she would just break apart into a million pieces. She hears someone crawl up beside her and then there's a hand on her shoulder and she looks up and sees a boy frowning at her with a sort of understanding in his eyes.

"It's okay," the boy says gently. "You're not alone anymore."

She rubs haphazardly at her eyes and looks around the stone walls that surround her, and all she wants to do is cry but instead she looks back at the boy.

"My name's Jowan." The boy holds out a hand and smiles at her with brown eyes that remind her of the fancy Orlesian chocolates her mother would get sometimes in the city.

"I'm S-Solona," she manages to say as she takes Jowan's hand, and she thinks that maybe, just maybe, that she could be okay.

* * *

Solona is thirteen the first time she sees Jowan and feels something fluttering in her stomach. He comes to her all gangly and awkward looking and his robes are way too short because he's grown so tall and he's never looked so wonderful. She smoothes back her mass of hair and smiles as he approaches, but she must be smiling _too_ much because he gets an odd look on his face.

"What are you smiling about?" Jowan says teasingly, his brown eyes glittering as he punches her playfully on the arm.

"Smiling?" Solona squeaks nervously as she feels a blush creeping to her face. "Oh, um, I was just noticing how silly those robes look on you!"

Jowan pulls a face at her and crosses his arms over his chest. "Right, well, unless you have some kind of pull with those creepy tranquil seamstresses, I'd rather not talk about it."

"I didn't mean…" Solona stammers uselessly, feeling her cheeks growing even hotter before desperately trying to change the subject. "Do you want to go see if there are any good leftovers in the pantry?"

"I have a better idea," Jowan says with a wicked grin. "I heard they're going to be bringing in some new templar apprentices. We could throw some charms at them from the windows. No one will know it's us."

Solona thinks this is kind of a stupid idea, since Jowan is so bad at magic, but her heart leaps in her chest as Jowan grabs her hand and it feels like electricity is coursing through her entire body. She decides it really doesn't matter if it's a stupid idea, as long as they're together, and they run through hallways, footsteps and giggles echoing against the stone.

* * *

"I met a girl," Jowan tells her with a coy little smile over dinner, and Solona just knows he's talking about her.

"Oh, really?" Solona leans forward and arches an eyebrow. "Tell me all about her."

Jowan flushes and looks down at his bowl. "Well, she's just about perfect and she just... completes me, you know? I can't imagine what I'd do without her."

Solona feels a thrill jolt through her spine and it's like every single dream she's had for the last four years is finally coming true.

* * *

"Solona? Lonny, wake up!"

Solona blinks her eyes open and finds Jowan bent down over her, his face just inches from her own. Her stomach flips in that familiar way and she smiles dreamily at him, hoping he will just lean over and kiss her already, but instead he pulls back.

"Oh, thank the Maker!" Jowan breathes out sigh. "When I saw the templars carrying you in, I didn't know what to think. They're saying you've passed the Harrowing. What was it like?"

"My head hurts." Solona pushes herself up from the bed and sits in the edge holding her head in her hands. "You know I can't talk about it."

Jowan looks back at her, hurt, and she reaches a hand out to him, but he backs away. "I thought being best friends for the last twelve years would mean something, but I guess not. Everything's going to change now, anyway."

"What are you talking about?" Solona frowns as she looks up at him.

"You're a full mage now, and I'm still an apprentice," Jowan replies bitterly. "You're going to move up to the other quarters and I'll be stuck here forever."

"Of course you won't," Solona gives him a small smile. "They'll put you through the Harrowing when you're re-"

"Ready?" Jowan interrupts her. "I've been here longer than you. They're _scared_ of me, that's why they haven't put me through yet. Anyway, Irving wants to see you. I'll talk to you later."

Solona watches as Jowan stalks away, wondering how anyone could possibly be scared of him, before collecting herself and making her way to the First Enchanter's office.

* * *

Solona leaves the Grey Warden in the guest room and begins walking down the hall toward her new chambers when she sees Jowan hiding in the shadows.

"Are you done talking to Irving yet?" Jowan asks her, his eyes darting around wildly.

"Were you following me?" She takes one of his hands and tries to get a better look at his eyes. "Are you okay?"

"Does it really matter? I need to talk to you," Jowan says in a urgent whisper. "But not out here… follow me."

Solona feels herself grinning and lets Jowan lead her by the hand through the tower. This is it, she thinks to herself, after all these years, and again it's like electricity is coursing through her body from his touch. He leads her to the chapel and she is almost giddy with excitement until she sees an initiate waiting for them in the corner of the room.

"What's going on?" Solona stops short as Jowan lets go of her hand and slips beside the initiate.

"Do you remember a few months ago, I told you I had met a girl?" Jowan starts sheepishly, and Solona feels her stomach drop so fast, she thinks it might actually fall out of her body. "This is Lily."

"L-lily," Solona stammers stupidly. "But I thought…" She stops and breathes, too embarrassed to say that she thought when he was talking about a girl, he meant _her_ but he was too scared to admit it. So instead, she narrows her eyes at him. "She's an initiate, Jowan. That's forbidden!"

"I know," Jowan says shaking his head. "That's why I need your help. You're the only one I can trust to help us. Remember when I said that I didn't think they wanted to give me my Harrowing? I know why. They're going to make me tranquil." Jowan stops and swallows, squeezing Lily's hand in his own, and Solona wants nothing more than to cast fire and burn them both into nothing. "They're going to take everything from me – my dreams, my fears, my love for Lily. It'll all be gone."

Solona crosses her arms over her chest and mumbles. "It's better than dying."

"Is it?" Jowan says with a scowl. "It's just another form of death."

Solona pretends to listen as Jowan and Lily tell her about their grand plan to escape and live happily ever after in the wilderness, or Denerim or some other stupid town, and all she wants to do is tie Lily to the top of the weathervane on the tower and cast lightning bolts at her. And then she would teach herself how to cast rock armor on another person and watch as Jowan sank to the bottom of Lake Calenhad. And there's something about a door and a rod and a spell, and blood magic and a phylactery, but she's too busy daydreaming about casting mind blast on the both of them and watching as they walk around drooling and smacking face first into the walls.

"So, will you help us?"

She is so engrossed in the daydreams that she barely notices Jowan staring at her so expectantly.

"Jowan, why did we never…" Solona finds herself saying before she can think about it.

"What?" Jowan looks at her with a blank expression. "Oh! You mean, you and me? Er… this is awkward. It never crossed my mind. You're like a sister to me."

Solona feels as though he's slapped her across the face and there's a pain in her chest so fresh and sharp she finds herself checking to see if someone has stabbed her.

"You don't... like me as something more than a friend, do you?" She hears Jowan asking her and all she can do is nod.

"Oh… I see," Jowan replies softly. "But why would you bring it up now? Especially with... you know, things? And Lily. I... love her and- That was a bizarre thing to talk about, especially now... I mean, maybe if you had…"

But Solona can't listen to any more and just holds up and hand to him. "I know exactly what to do."

* * *

"Jowan's in love with an initiate and they're planning on escaping the tower," Solona says before Irving even has a chance to acknowledge her presence.

The First Enchanter strokes his beard. "And how, child, do they intend to do that?"

And Solona tells him the entire plan.

* * *

They've fought their way through the basement of the tower and Solona feels a sort of smug satisfaction knowing that Irving and Gregoir will be waiting for them when they try to leave. They find Jowan's phylactery and she watches as her oldest friend hurls the glass vial to the ground and it shatters into a million pieces, and he looks so damned _happy_ about it that she starts panicking.

"Jowan," she starts to say, but he waves her off saying they can talk after they've escaped from the tower. So she just puts her head down and follows them slowly up the stairs, knowing full well that that's never going to happen.

Jowan pushes open the doors and Irving and Gregoir and about ten other templars are standing and waiting for them at the top of the steps. Solona looks down at the floor and plays with her robes and Lily looks at her out of the corner of her eye and Solona knows that Lily knows that she's behind this, but still, she remains silent.

"You were right, Irving," Gregoir says in his gruff voice. "And there's no hint of a thrall! This initiate is acting of her own free will. And your newest mage, fresh from her Harrowing!"

"Solona is acting as my agent," Irving states dismissively. "I asked her to help these two so we could bring the guilty parties to justice."

"Tell me it's not true!" Jowan turns on her faster than she's ever seen him move. "Tell me!"

Solona can't even bring herself to look into his eyes, and the rest of it happens so fast that she can't even believe that it really happened.

* * *

It's been months since she was recruited into the Grey Wardens and she can barely remember what life in the tower was like anymore. She feels the warmth of the sun on her skin and the tickle of the breeze on her cheek and she finds herself smiling so wide she can barely contain herself.

But some nights, when she's curled up on her sleeping mat next to the mabari she rescued at Ostagar, she thinks of him and wonders if he got away alright, or if the templars caught up with him after all. Those nights, she slips out of her tent and sits by the campfire with Alistair, who never seems to sleep, and he talks and jokes and tells her stories, and for a moment Solona completely forgets about Jowan and Lily and the fact that she betrayed the only friend she ever had.

* * *

It's the morning after they saved Redcliffe from the walking dead and Bann Teagan tells them he has a key for a secret tunnel that leads to the castle. Solona, Alistair, Leliana and Sten make the descent into the tunnel and Alistair begins telling a story about how he locked himself in a cage once, and Solona and Leliana laugh and Sten rolls his eyes.

And then someone is yelling out for help on the other side of the heavy iron door, and Solona freezes because she _knows_ that voice. Sten and Alistair take down the ghouls in the dungeon and Solona walks numbly toward the cell door and she almost cries when she sees him.

"Solona," he gasps, his eyes widening in shock. "It's you." Solona begins to smile until she sees something change in his expression. "And I thought this couldn't get any worse."

Solona feels a stab of pain in her heart. "Jowan, I'm sorry."

Jowan scoffs at her and folds his arms across his chest. "For what? Betraying me to Irving? For getting Lily caught? Oh, Maker, Lily... my poor Lily."

"You can't blame me for all of this!" Solona hisses grabbing at the iron bars. "If you hadn't been messing with blood magic, none of this would have happened." She hears a gasp behind her and knows Leliana and Alistair are listening now.

"They were going to make me tranquil!" Jowan hisses back, but Solona shakes her head violently.

"Because you're a blood mage, you idiot!" Solona yells, stomping her foot on the ground. And at that moment she realizes that maybe she didn't really know Jowan that well at all.

"I made a mistake, alright?" Jowan yells back at her. "I admit it. But you can't expect me to forget your part in this. You, of all people, Lonny. If you were ever my friend, I need you to answer this one question. How is Lily? Is she alive?"

"She was the last time I saw her." Solona's eyes sting with tears and she lets her hands fall to the side. "They took her to Aeonar."

Jowan lets out a moan and covers his face with his hands. "Oh, Lily... my poor Lily. She must hate me." He looks up at her then, with tears streaming down his face. "And you... Lonny, I don't want you to hate me. I can't be mad at you anymore."

"What are you going to do if I let you out?" Solona asks softly.

"I'll try to help! I'll... make it right. I have to." Jowan locks eyes with her and for a moment he's the little boy that saved her from being alone that first night at the tower, and she knows he's telling the truth.

"Leliana, unlock the door," Solona almost whispers, wiping a tear from her eye.

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" Alistair tries to say, but Solona ignores him, and repeats herself a little louder. Leliana gives her an uncertain look but complies and the door swings open.

Jowan takes a tentative step forward and Solona sees how thin and dirty he is, and how awful he smells and despite all of that, she rushes forward and hugs him so fiercely they both nearly topple over.

"You need to leave, Jowan," she whispers into his ear. "And never come back. They'll find you if you stay. Get out of Ferelden. Just _go._"

"I will," Jowan whispers back. "Lonny, I'm sorry, if things had been different..."

Solona shakes her head and pulls away, and hands him a small loaf of crusty bread she has in her pack and smiles at him. "Go."

And Jowan begins to run out of the dungeon and Solona watches him leave. After he's disappeared up the ladder and she turns around and Alistair hands her a handkerchief and he's looking at her with such a worried expression, it feels as if something has clicked inside of her and she realizes that maybe, just maybe, she'll be alright after all.

* * *

**AN: **As always, huge thanks go to sagacious_rage for being my second pair of eyes and fixing things that don't make sense. 3


End file.
